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fall [21 Aug 2007|11:42pm]

itmi
This time of year is really is wonderful, don't you think? It's a love/hate thing for me, but the hate is getting lesser. The love getting stronger. Four years will do that, I guess.

I just burnt the coffee table twice because I wasn't paying attention. Trying to think of what to say that would actually make sense.

I mentioned I can't wait for next month, and Michelle said 'Because you can wear a hoodie?'.
I had to laugh.
Yes, because I can wear a hoodie. Football season. The smell. Leaves changing. Another year ending. Another year older. Missing people. Broken hearts. Broken dreams.

I'm still making mistakes. I'm still wondering what it is I'm supposed to be doing here. I'm still enjoying it as much as one can.
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[08 Oct 2003|10:48pm]

ex_nattalie
just a name on the map
sounds like heaven to me

Fucking song. Fucking everything.
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sparkle and fade [18 Jul 2003|11:56pm]

ex_nattalie
"let's just drive your car
we could drive all day
let's just get the hell away from here
for I am sick again-
just plain sick to death
of the sound of my own voice
we could leave behind
another wasted year
just get some cheap red wine
and just go flying

we could do the things,
all the things you wanted to
no one cares about us anyway

I think I lost my smile
I think you lost yours too
we have lost the power to
make each other laugh
let's just leave this place
and go to summerland
just a name on the map
sounds like heaven to me

we could find a town-
be just how we want to be
no one here really cares
about us anyway
we could find a place-
make it what we want it to be
no one really gives a fuck
about us anyway
we could live-
live just like we want to live
no one here really cares
about us anyway
we could be-
everything we want to be
we could get lost in the fall
glimmer sparkle and fade
the sparkle and fade
fall glimmer sparkle and fade

forget about our jobs at
the record store
forget about all the losers
that we know
forget about all the memories
that keep you down
forget about them
we could lose them in the
sparkle and fade
we could leave them behind
in the sparkle and fade
yeah sparkle and fade
fall glimmer sparkle and fade"
sumerland - everclear
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journey...running...just going...cruisin...growing...i dont fucking know right now [13 Jul 2003|11:02pm]

ticky_ticky
ive never really wanted this as bad as i do now. its so far beyond wanting tho. it seems as if it trully is a necessity. im losing my mind more and more each day. if i dont go quickly i know that i will end up staying, that isnt true, but the longer i stay the more dificult leaving will be. it wont be easy in the first place. ramble ramble. ya know what makes me want to go really bad right now. tim. yup. tim. i dont want to be like him at all. i know i dont know him at all but i KNOW that i dont want to end up like him. i can see how his life is gonna turn out. i dont want that. i cant have that.
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you can never look back [13 Jul 2003|06:43pm]

ticky_ticky
if i just started walking do you think anyone would notice or would i have time to get to where im going and start over?

would they notice at all? would they notice that im gone or would they just notice that its a little quieter around?

this weekend made me want to go so bad. part of e wishes we would have stuck to our plan, but i know we couldnt and im ok with that...just wishing..ya know?!
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[08 Jul 2003|12:03am]

ticky_ticky
so, i just packed a bunch of shit. got my carry on almost ready. just need to buy a few small things. all thats left is to do laundry on thursday and pack my other under the bus bag.

we're doing this. i keep forgetting how to breathe. but its nice. i thought i had a lot to write, but all i really have is, this is real. im leaving. im on my way to being happy.

this is real

this is real

this is real
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well..its happening [08 Jul 2003|12:01am]

ticky_ticky
so, i just packed a bunch of shit. got my carry on almost ready. just need to buy a few small things. all thats left is to do laundry on thursday and pack my other under the bus bag.

we're doing this. i keep forgetting how to breathe. but its nice. i thought i had a lot to write, but all i really have is, this is real. im leaving. im on my way to being happy.

this is real

this is real

this is real
1 comment|post comment

[07 Jul 2003|11:54am]

ticky_ticky
im terrified. so fucking scared. what if i fail. what if i cant do this. what if i drag nat with me and cant help her find what it is shes looking for. what if i get there and realize that this is just some high school dream that i took too far. what am i supposed to do if that happens. but if i dont go ill never know. and ill just stay here and never be me. never know what i can do. who i can be. so much to think about. but whether im scared or not im going. nothing is keeping here. and im sorry nat if i do fail and i cant do this. but i do want to find out if i can. i need to know if i can do this. i love you. so much.
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My stupid horoscope [04 Jul 2003|04:32pm]

ex_nattalie
Negativity will be a problem, as the people around you do not have the hope and faith required to keep things going. You may have to decide about whether it is better to disassociate quietly or work things out.
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[29 Jun 2003|03:51pm]

ex_nattalie
"I don't wanna be wasted
I don't wanna live inside this daydream anymore
I just wanna be happy again
I don't wanna be wasted, I dont wanna be blind"
everclear 'otis redding'

"I'm thinking about taking some time
I'm thinkin about leavin soon
I got some things I can't tell anyone
I got some things I just can't say
They're the kinda things that no one knows about
just need somebody to talk to me
I'm thinking about leaving tomorrow
I'm thinking about being on my own
Think I've been wasting my time
I'm thinking about getting out
I'm thinking about getting out"
counting crows 'speedway'
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I do these things... [29 Jun 2003|12:11pm]

ex_nattalie
And they make me upset, or piss me off. Right? Today I did one of those things, and I had that feeling. Then I thought soon it will be over, not a part of my life. And I smiled, and cried, and I feel so good.
I can't wait to sit at a bus stop with you early hours of the morning. Bags by our side. Not talking, not wanting to cry just yet. I can't believe this...
Tell me this is real.
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[28 Jun 2003|03:00pm]

ticky_ticky
$78.00
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Hmmm... [17 Jun 2003|08:27pm]

ex_nattalie
I guess we're in good moods because this hasn't been updating in a couple of days. Good for us!
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[12 Jun 2003|11:12pm]

ex_nattalie
"For the first time in years - maybe the first time ever - Gary thought he could understand his mother's religious faith. If you believed in that stuff, really believed it without question, then you always knew your loved ones would return to you. No matter how long they stayed away, even if they died, you would see them again eventually. That must be so comforting - if you could believe. He just couldn't anymore. Where he once had little faith, there was now nothing but a big black X like the one in an algebra problem. But he'd run into very few algebra he couldn't solve. He had no idea what the value of this X might be, or whether it had any value at all."

From The Value of X by Poppy Z. Brite.

I'm lost right now. I'll be honest with you. I don't know, and I'm ok with that. What I'm worried about is what I know. How I feel. I just realized this is an entry for talk soup.
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To Whom It May Concern [10 Jun 2003|12:51am]

ticky_ticky
a letter i wrote last night


I'm writing to no one in particular. Just some things I need to get out.

*I'm lost and I know this
-I'm 20 years old and a few months ago I was so sure I knew who I was. I thought I had it all figured out. I had no questions. No doubts. Now the doubts and the questions are overpowering my mind. Have I grown at all? Should I be proud of who I am right now? Am I living this right?

*I am weak
-I wish I could blame the people in my life, but I know it's my fault. I'm the one that can't walk away. The one that lets shitty things happen. I allow myself to get use to the pain and instill the thought in my head that this is the way it is SUPOSED to be. I trust too easily. I get attached. I'm too honest. I put everything on the line, allowing myself to be vulnerable.

*I'm apathetic...
-maybe about the wrong things. I can't handle unhappy, self-loathing people. Maybe i should be more sympathetic. Give in. Give the attention that is so much desired. The pity.

*I'm honest
-If I'm hurt, i let it be known and it somehow ends up being my fault. I don't know how. But people just see me as selfish, cause pain is fun. I guess. I don't understand it. Maybe I should stop trying. Do I continue with the honesty and lose 'friends' or stop and become some falst miss popularity?

*I'm happy
-and thats all i got!
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"I just need to be loved [08 Jun 2003|10:43pm]

ex_nattalie
like everyone does."
I hear sirens. Did you hear a body was found in Doling park? Or something like that.
I want to scream. I just need something, please, anything.
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[07 Jun 2003|02:02pm]

ex_nattalie
"in a world of a million roses a single rose is still beautiful, but if all you saw was roses, and someone showed you a hyacinth, you'd probably be more interested in the hyacinth"
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im an awful person [04 Jun 2003|01:16pm]

ticky_ticky
i get tossed aside, im a bitch.
i get hurt, im selfish.
i want to cry when i see him, im an ass.
i dont understand why, im a jackass.

your life is awful. both of yours. things are always so bad. you cant find happiness unless you are both depressed. wondering why the world hates you so. i remember a time in my fucking life when you cared about me. and i was important to you. or when i worth taking time to say hello to. but on the other hand i remember when i wasnt. and when i could so easily be put aside, forgotten, hurt. its kinda funny but i remember being treated like shit more clearly than i remember being treated like a friend.

you dont want anything to do with him. how often did you say that. how often did we hear how he was bothering you with the touching and the flirting. then you are all kinds of ok with it. thats great. i have nothing against you guys wanting to be together. thats your choice. and i hope you guys can be happy. but happiness isnt something that i see either one of you ever fucking wanting. you dont get sympathy for happiness.

does he know how you still feel about shawn. how the other day, not too long ago..when you were spending time with us that you pulled your fone out of your purse and you damned him for not calling you all day. i know you werent talking about remmy. he always calls. are you being honest with him?

why do i even fucking care. be cause i am a jackass. i put way too much faith in some ppl.

he says that ive burnt him. thats fucking funny as hell to me. i never pushed him aside. i didnt forget he existed. when jake and i started dating i still saw him. i called him. i said fucking hi when he walked into a fucking room. i still wanted to hang out with him. i guess that makes me weak.

shes pissed because i didnt go to her and say these things..yet on more than once occasion i recollect sitting with both of them in the fucking room saying something. i guess im just a bitch.

an awful awful fucking person.
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[02 Jun 2003|11:01am]
poser_talie
[ mood | irritated ]

No...
Fuck trust.
Fuck feelings.
Fuck how you feel.
Fuck actually talking to a person about their role in something.
Instead get pissed.
Don't hear any side.
How people feel makes other people upset. That isn't fair. Because we can help when we feel hurt, abandoned, shit on. Ya, fucking shit on.
I called my grandma yesterday, she's 65. We were talking, and she still goes around barefoot. She says she will never grow up. Later this summer I'll be at her house picking blackberries.
I'll end up pissing more people off before June.
I still won't be able to hold a job.
I'll still smoke, I'll still drink.
I'll still have mood swings, and I'll still be getting hurt.
It's never changing.
I love you Kathy, and the whole fucking world is against us, I swear to god.
Everything will fall to shit, we will be abandoned, we will be cast out because we make the mistake of being honest with how we feel, the world will come to an uneventful end,
and me and you will be chillin' side by side,
wondering what we did wrong
...

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Shit I wanted to keep [26 May 2003|06:05pm]
poser_talie
my soul is packing it's bags and leaving says:
i hate when they make me feel like im going to cry
i will never know myself until i do this on my own says:
no fucking shit
i will never know myself until i do this on my own says:
sigh
my soul is packing it's bags and leaving says:
i hate feeling the lyrics so much
i will never know myself until i do this on my own says:
i know
i will never know myself until i do this on my own says:
but its kinda nice too
my soul is packing it's bags and leaving says:
i hate that a stupid band knows me better that i do
i will never know myself until i do this on my own says:
at least somebody can verbalize how the fuck i feel cause i know i fucking cant
my soul is packing it's bags and leaving says:
god, im pathetic



Kathy sighed and laid back.
"I wanna move away. Stew's on freakin' holiday! 'Til Friday. You don't care, that's fine." She picked a book up and put it down. She had a disgusted look on her face. "I don't know why I pick stuff up in your room. Remember coach Walker?"
"Let's go." I said. "In August."
"Does that mean you don't remember him?"
"No, I remember him."
"Always in his creased jeans. Always freakin' creased."
"Ya."
"Do you still want to go?"
"Yes."
"Are you going to wear this to this show?" She said, playing with a wristband.
"No."
'Why?"
"I get yelled at for wearing a band shirt of the band's concert, what's different about a cuff?"
"It's a good charlotte show."
"Oh."
"You could get it signed and show it to Jake. He would be like, 'hey that's mine'."
"And I'd give it to him. Because why would I care? I have a signed linkin park picture in a drawer. I could throw it in that drawer."
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